New Rules
While waiting to check out at our local Barnes & Noble, I picked up a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules from the display. I immediately found myself laughing out loud and attracting odd glances from my fellow shoppers. For those of you unfamiliar with Maher, he’s the quick witted and quite acerbic former host of TV’s Comedy Central and Politically Incorrect.
The premise of the book, adopted from his HBO television specials, is that he gets to make New Rules for others like:
What a concept: you get to make New Rules for others about things they do to annoy you. If we wrote New Rules for personality type differences and mimicked Maher’s acid tongue, we might come up with the following:
New Rule for Extraverts
There’s a reason there’s a time limit on answering machine tapes: no one wants to listen to you ramble on interminably. From now on, leave your name, number and, in a few words, the reason for your call. Then, you must hang up!
New Rule for Introverts
Every once in a while you must display a visible sign that you are alive. This is particularly important when we are talking to you. A nod of your head, or an occasional “mmhmmm” will do, even if you don’t mean it.
New Rule for Sensors
Did you ever hear about the guy who couldn’t see the forest because of the trees. Hello? Just give us the Executive Summary, and if we want more information, we’ll ask for it. Want to see my eyes glaze over? Give me one more detail.
New Rule for Intuitives
Where did that come from? We were calmly going from A to B to C when you make this quantum leap to an entirely different alphabet. Sorry we bore you with the facts, but when you come back down to earth, give me a call and I’ll introduce you to something new… it’s called reality!
New Rule for Thinkers
By now, we all have computers that come equipped with spreadsheet software. That means if we need cold impersonal analysis we can plug in the data, turn the crank and see what comes out. Since we can do that on our own, your single minded pursuit of logical analysis has become redundant. Want to know why so many of your decisions don’t work out? It’s because they are implemented by human beings, not machines. Get it, Mr. Spock?
New Rule for Feelers
OK. You have a heart. Must you wear it on your sleeve? Here’s a flash: the reason we are here is profit, not charity.
New Rule for Judgers
Is it true? For a Judger, checking off a To Do List item is better than sex?
New Rule for Perceivers
The New Rule limits the number of times you can change your mind to four times per hour. That means for fifteen solid minutes you must stick to a decision. Bet you can’t.
We think Bill Maher has come up with a marvelous idea making up New Rules for other people. After all, it is so much harder and certainly a lot less fun complying with rules others make or us. If you come up with a New Rule, let us know.
Enjoy the remaining few days of summer.